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The following are accounts of actual conversations between airline pilots and control towers from around the world. 1. While taxiing at London Gatwick Airport, the crew of a US Air flight departing for Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United Airlines 727. An irate female ground controller lashed out at the US Air crew screaming: "US Air 2771, where the hell are you going? I told you to turn right onto Charlie taxiway! You turned right on Delta! Stop right there! I know it's difficult for you to tell the difference between C and D, but get it right!" Continuing her rage to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting hysterically: "God! Now you've screwed everything up! It'll take forever to sort this out! You stay right there and don't move till I tell you to! You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you! You got that, US Air 2771?" "Yes ma'am, " the humbled crew responded. Naturally, the ground control communications frequency fell terribly silent after the verbal bashing of US Air 2771. Nobody wanted to chance engaging the irate ground controller in her current state of mind. Tension in every cockpit out in Gatwick was running high. Just then an unknown pilot broke the silence and keyed his microphone asking: "Wasn't I married to you once?" ----- 2. From an unknown aircraft waiting in a very long takeoff queue: "I'm f*cking bored!" Ground Traffic Control: "Last aircraft transmitting, identify yourself immediately!" Unknown aircraft: "I said I was f*cking bored, not f*cking stupid!" ----- 3. A DC-10 had come in a little hot and thus had an exceedingly long roll out after touching down. San Jose tower noted: "American 751, make a hard right turn at the end of the runway if you are able. If you are not able, take the Guadalupe exit off Highway 101, make a right at the lights and return to the airport." ----- 4. Contorl Tower: "Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contract Departure on frequency 124.7" Eastern 702 to Control Tower-switching to Departure. By the way, after we lifted off we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of the runway." Control Tower to Continental 635 who is taking off behind Eastern 702: "Continental 635, cleared for for takeoff behind Eastern 702, contact Departure on frequency 124.7....Did you copy that report from Eastern 702?" Continental 635 to Control Tower: "Continetal 635 cleared for takeoff, roger; and yes we copied Eastern 702...we've already notified the caterers." ----- 5. The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a short-tempered lot. They not only expect one to know one's gate parking location, but how to get there without any assistance from them. So it was with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt Ground Control and a British Airways 747 call sign "Speedbird 206" "Frankfurt Ground - Speedbird 206 clear of active runway." "Frankfurt Ground - Speedbird 206..Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven." The BA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop. "Frankfurt Ground - Speedbird 206, do you know where you are going?" BA Speedbird 206: "Stand by, Ground - I'm looking up our gate location now." Frankfurt Ground (with quite arrogant impatience): "Speedbird 206, have you not been to Frankfurt before?" BA Speedbird 206 (coolly): "Yes, twice in 1944-but I didn't land." ----- 6. O'Hare Approach Control speaking to a 747: "United 329 heavy, your traffic is a Fokker, one o'clock, three miles, Eastbound." United 329 to Approach Control: "I've always wanted to say this....I've got teh little Fokker in sight." ----- 7. A Pan Am 727 flight waiting for a start clearance in Munich overheard the following: Lufthanasa (in German): "Ground, what is our start clearance time?" Ground (in English): "If you want an answer you must speak in English." Lufthansa (in English): "I am a German, flying a German airplane, in Germany. Why must I speak English?" Uknown voice from another plane (in a beautiful British accent): "Beacause you lost the bloody war."
Here are some more conversations overheard on airplanes! On a lengthy evening Air Canada Flight with a some what senior" flight attendant crew, the pilot said, "Ladies and gentlemen, we've reached cruising altitude and will be turning down the cabin lights. This is for your comfort and to nhance the appearance of your flight attendants." ----- Upon landing, a Westjet stewardess was heard to say: "Please be sure to take all of your belongings. If you're going to leave anything, please make sure it's something we'd like to have." ----- Also from Westjet: "There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane. So pay attention!" ----- "Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride." ----- As the Continental plane landed and was coming to a stop at La Guardia, a lone voice came over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella. WHOA!" ----- From a Southwest Airlines flight crewmember: "Welcome aboard Southwest Flight 245 to Tampa. To operate your seat belt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other seat belt; and, if you don't know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be allowed out ----- "In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with more than one small child, pick your favorite." ----- The captain's dulcet tones droned over the plane's speakers: "Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but we'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you - or your money - more than Southwest Airlines." ----- "Your seat cushions can be used for floatation devices. In the event of an emergency water landing, please use them to paddle to shore and feel free to take them home with our compliments." ----- "Should the cabin lose pressure, oxygen masks are in the overhead area. Please place the bag over your own mouth and nose before assisting children or other adults acting like children." ----- "As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed equally amongst the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses." ----- And from the pilot during his welcome message: "Delta airlines is pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry. Unfortunately, none of them are on this flight!" ----- Heard from a flight attendant on a Westjet Airlines flight just after a ----- Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas, on a particularly windy and bumpy day: During the final approach, the captain was really having to fight it. After an extremely hard landing, the Flight Attendant said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo. Please remain in your seats with your seat belts fastened while the Captain taxis what's left of our airplane to the gate!" -----
----- A Canadian airline pilot wrote in his journal, a few years ago, that on one particular flight due to strong crosswinds, he had unfortunately hammered his ship onto the runway with a very hard greeting. The airline had a policy, which required the first officer on the flight to stand at the exit door while the passengers disembarked, to smile and repeat "Thanks for Finally there was only one little old lady left to exit the plane. Walking slowly up the aisle with a cane, she approached the awaiting first officer and said, "Sir, do you mind if I ask "Why, no, Ma'am," said the pilot. "What is it?" The little old lady responded: "Did we land, or were we shot down?" ----- After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the Flight Attendant came on with, "Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Capt. Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we'll open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal." ----- Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think of U.S. Airways." ----- A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After reaching a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom: "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight Number 293, nonstop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather ahead is good and, therefore, we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax. ..OH, NO! LOOK OUT!!!" Silence followed, and after a minute or two the captain came back on the intercom and said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I A passenger in Coach yelled, "That's nothing. You should see the back of mine!!"
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